Coming Down With The Affluenza.

I'm done with being dirty.

I want to be clean now. I've just started a new job, am in the process of moving out, am trying to sort out my money situation (the situation being that I have less than none), and my head just can't cope with it all in it's dirty state. I partied my arse off last week, and drank a lot, and drugged a lot, and didn't give a toss, and it was good. And now I'm done.

At least for now.

All I want to do currently is sit in bed eating and watch tv, with my cat curled up on my lap, and have some time to unclench for a bit. But, annoyingly, these next few weeks are undoubtedly going to be hassle and a half. I downloaded the 2nd series of Gilmore Girls the other day, and earlier I tried to think of a night this week where I can stay in bed and watch it, but I couldn't even find a bracket of an hour to watch one episode. Because every hour I have is filled with something infinitely more important like packing/moving, or working, or doctors appointments, or working. And I am hating it.

It's always like this when you try and change your life though. The initial period is always the worst. I can't wait until everything settles down, then maybe I won't have this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach all the time.

Ugh, I can actually hear myself, and I realise that self-deprecation when it borders on self-pity is a most unappealing quality, and I hate it in myself, but I can't help it. I feel crappy and stressed, and yet again I feel like it's only ever going to be me, alone, fighting to be better. With only my own stupid thoughts to keep me company at night, and on the bus, and at dinnertimes, and at all the times I wish I had someone to ease the burden.

Does everyone feel like this? Sometimes I think everyone feels like this. In the most selfish, wanting-to-be-part-of-something way, I hope everyone does feel like this. Because then this constant fear/feeling of isolation is actually part of the human condition, not just part of my poorly conditioned brain.

Maybe I'm just coming down with the Affluenza.

(Maybe I'm just coming down)