Christmas Demands Proof Of Worth, And I Have None.

The things that are closest to my heart, I have the least proof of.

I have so much proof of all the stupid crap in my life that isn't actually worth a damn - the amount of photos I have of myself smiling and laughing on nights out that I've already forgotten, where I have one photo of my cat, and barely a few proper ones of me and Pickled Lily, and not even one of Ash. I know it's morbid, right, but I was thinking today - if my cat died, I would have basically no proof that he ever existed, but for my own memories and one out-of-focus photograph.

And if this period in my life was over - say if I quit my job ,which I adore, right now, it would be like it never existed, as if I never did it, because everything would be the same as if I hadn't - except for me. I'd have changed, grown, whatever, and there would be no evidence as to why. Well, I suppose the evidence would be me.

But then, Darcy. I was in a relationship with him. A proper, meeting of the hearts, melding of the days, relationship. At least of half of the year of 2009 was dedicated to him, in my life story. But I have no real proof of that period either. And when it was all over and done with, I was just left as me again. Not in a self-deprecating way just.. well, what was the point? The things you do in life should leave some sort of residue otherwise, well, it can't have been worth a half of a year of your life, surely?

Maybe I'm looking for something to stick, something to rock my world enough for it to not be exactly the same when it ends, as when it started. For me to not be the same when it's come and gone. Because then I may as well have not have done it. Can something really be worth a damn if your life would have been the same had you not done it as if you had?

Ok I'm getting a little confused with my own train of thought here, and this whole proof thing.

Just, I think I'm trying to grasp at things at the moment. Christmas always has this effect on me - that's what I hate about this time of year. It makes you feel like you have to evaluate who you are, and where you are, and what you have. Which, for the most part, is a hell of a lot less than you think.

Christmas always makes me sad for what I don't have, for what I haven't done, for the life I haven't made for myself. I don't know what it is, maybe this is just what happens when you don't have a family to retreat to, a home to return to at the end of the year. So you gather up what's around you, to see if it's home, if it feels like yours. And, if I'm honest, it never really does.

------------------------------------

I don't know what I've been waiting for,
But I know that I don't want to wait any more.