Crimes Against Fair Flirting.

Well this is just fucking ridiculous. Obviously.

So I spend weeks (lets pretend it's not months) waiting for Rocket Boy to ask me out. And he doesn't because - well first because he has a girlfriend, and then because he's just broken up with his girlfriend, and then because he's just really shit, and then because he's scared of me or whatever, and then because he's out finding a new girlfriend. And a while passes, and when I next see him he somehow makes me ask him out, which obviously never materialises because, surprise surprise - he's as shit as ever.

Then I decide actually I can't be bothered with drama and confusion and all the stuff that goes with having shitty people in your life/head, so I forget about it and start an amazing job, and move to a brilliant flat, and after a month or so of settling in and being a social hermit for the benefit of my sanity, I emerge from my cocoon to go to a party and (courtesy of a beautiful, wonderful girl I know through Charolastra No.1) spend the night chatting to a cute, nice guy. Who is so interesting that I find myself having such a good time that I forget to leave the party, and find myself kissing him at the bus stop. And I'm pleasantly reminded of what it's like to be attracted to a guy who isn't completely fucking useless. So I spend the next few days casually wondering if he might call, and if he was serious about going for that drink.. Then guess who I get a text from?

Yeah, you got it. Stupid useless even-shittier-this-time Rocket Boy.. 'Hello poppet. How are you? What are you doing tonight? x'

So I text him back, then realise that because I've accidentally left my phone off I've gotten his text 2 days late - so the moment has passed. He finally nearly, sort of, almost asks me out, and I miss it. And now I'm going to spend the next week (lets pretend it's not a month) waiting for him to text me. Which he won't. Because he's shit. And even though I know this, I'll still be annoyed that he hasn't texted. And if by some miracle he does text me, I'll be so relieved that I'll forget that I was so annoyed and I'll text him straight back, and he won't reply because he's so shit.. and the whole thing will just never end until either he finally grows some bollocks and asks me out, or I finally crack and execute him for crimes against fair flirting.

For fucks sake.

The Fun Of A Little Crush

I've actually now decided that flirting is the answer.

Went out with Pickled Lily and Charolastra No.1 two weeks ago, to a cheap studenty pub in town for a few drinks, and ended up having a bit of a large one, where 4 bottles of wine and several round of shots later, we found ourselves going from drinking amongst a bunch of French teenagers (one of whom looked like Shia LeBoeuf, to Pickled Lily's immense delight), to chatting to some random Yanks, to me eye flirting with a Robert Pattinson lookalike, to Pickled Lily trying, unsuccessfully, to set up Charolastra with what turned out to be a Hungarian drunk, to me spending 20 minutes picking 3 songs on the jukebox.

On our 3rd bottle of £6 wine, me and Charolastra went on a bit of a prowl, scoping out the pub for hot boys and I decided the bartender was cute (I think I have a problem with being drawn to bartenders. Maybe it's something about the constant backdrop of booze I find appealing..) but due to my disappointment at somehow losing the Robert Pattinson lookalike, I didn't pursue. So Charolastra, being the natural matchmaker that she is, flounces over to him and his group of mates, and starts chatting to one of them. Me and Pickled Lily look at each other, equally bemused and amused, and after a few minutes I catch on to her plan and go over to talk to the cute bartender under the pretence of "Hi, you've sort of hi-jacked my mate.." and we end up flirting all night, and he initiates the ever-classic "Let's play a game of pool" routine, where I get to check out his bum and he gets to look down my top, all under very sexy down-lighting. It becomes evident we're both pro's at flirty banter, and I like him immediately.

We rejoin the table, and Pickled Lily has discovered one of his mates is an old friend of ours (who used to have 2 personalities - one of which was quiet and withdrawn, the other a bit of a scary sociopath. He's decided to stick with the former, it turns out.) and Charolastra No.1 does some very handy information scouting, to discover that the cute bartender is a drummer in 2 bands, so we chat about music (possibly the biggest turn-on for me) and somehow I end up undoing the top buttons of his shirt, and he ends up sexily taking my sunglasses from my cleavage. Loving the flirt, I'm annoyed to see Charolastra mouthing something at me. I lean towards her.

"He has a girlfriend."

Ah.

At this point I'm relatively drunk - in fact, the above event's may not be an accurate timeline, as I'm suddenly realising that when we started playing pool I already knew he had a girlfriend... But anyway, thats not the point. We flirted for the rest of the night, and at closing we swapped numbers (for business purposes obviously, I may have been drunk, but I had my promoter hat on for a while there!) and had a very sexy goodbye where he smelt my hair and I stroked the back of his neck.

I get home, a happily wasted bus ride later, to a lovely text from him. I leave it til the next morning to text him back, and from then we've spent the last 2 weeks text-flirting non stop. Literally. At least 5 texts from him a day, from sexy innuendo, to teasing, to actual getting to know you questions.. obviously every now and then I slip in a mention that he has a girlfriend (it would appear he has to be reminded).

But, to reach my final point - I forgot how much fun flirting can be. Proper, cheeky, sexy banter is the best. And even more pleasing (if you ignore the moral implications) with a guy with a girlfriend. It's the best way, particularly when you're getting over a breakup. You get the fun of a little crush, of feeling sexy in an ego-boost sort of way, but with no pressure of "where is this going?" because it's not going anywhere - he has a girlfriend. And a selfish, awful, petty part of you can't help but think I'm obviously sexier than her.. because there's nothing more honest in terms of attraction, than a guy who's already getting laid, wanting you.

In conclusion, ladies - flirting is the answer!