Seemingly Meaningless

So I'm writing this in bed, in the dark, typing as slowly and delicately as possible so as to not wake up Darcy, who is sleeping next to me. It's a little self-indulgent and probably boring, but I just had to make a quick entry to say, well, I think I had an evening of pure contentment tonight.

It's nothing of note to the casual observer, but I felt a teeny tiny but very distinct shift in myself tonight - just a little weight off the shoulders I guess. I'm a pretty slow burner, generally, so I'm not prone to huge immediate changes for the most part. I'm all about the gradual buildup of moments. And recently, I've had some pretty good moments, which add up to make some pretty good days, which add up to make nights like this where everything will be exactly the same, but I'll know, because of those little moments and the quiet warmth theyve been slowly building, I'm just that little bit more free to be happy. It's all about the quiet, seemingly meaningless moments.

Darcy is a big part of why I'm happy at the moment.

See a couple of months ago, that sentence would have terrified/nauseated me. Ive always been uneasy with the concept of your happiness being intrinsically linked with someone else. I don't know, maybe it's my issues with feeling in control, but that idea has always seemed a bit sinister to me - the idea that someone else is in control of your emotional state. Shouldn't you be happy in yourself, not because of someone else? Isn't that just co-dependence wrapped in a bow? But being with Darcy makes me wonder why I've been so suspicious. So much of life is about the people you spend it with, and the people around you should make you happy. Otherwise, what, surround yourself with people that make you miserable? Anyway, I'm not trying to get into a 'what's it all about?' post, mainly because I'm very much not a philosopher (a table is a table, alright?), but also because it's 2am and I'm fucking knackered.

Anyway, I'm lying here in the dark, watching telly in bed, nestling into the shoulder of a man who I adore, and that makes me happy. Why was I so afraid of this?