And I Am Re-Living..

Found some more scribblings from my past - this one from 2006, and I remember very clearly writing this while living with Pickled Lily and the Stig, when I was in the 3rd of my trilogy of disasterous relationships (Ash, Mystery and..) It's pretty defining really, in terms of how I felt most of that year! I remember sitting alone, in Pickled Lily's room, smoking and drinking tea with lemon, and staring at my reflection for at least an hour. Waiting for him to get home.

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And I am lacking
In self confidence, which holds me back continuously.
In courage at this tumultuous time,
Where I should be strapping up for battle.
And I am having
Trouble expressing myself to you, even now
For whatever reason
..my paranoia of feeling judged.

And I am feeling
Inadequate and frustrated,
And so much better than this.
Self-consciousness is dangerous for such a critical nature.

And I am scared
Of the past and it's remnants
And my tendency of repeating myself,
Of my need for keeping up appearances.
And I am scared
Of my own fears.
And how they (secretly) reflect on me.
And I am reeling
From the last few years having taken it's toll
Despite my best efforts & armour.
I so rarely write or read these days.

And I am sick
Of compromising and placating
And seemingly fighting for everything.
All is fair in love and war.

And I am thankful
For my sense of humour
And for the few that I love -
The only real mirror I'll ever need, or believe
Particularly at times like these, when I get defeatist
And self-involved, and forget
That I am happy
In my own skin.

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