I'm Man United And He's A Spoon.

So I saw Rocket Boy the other day. Even amongst my 'cutting out all things crap' phase he managed to slip through somehow. It's not really worth a proper blog post, but I thought I'd copy down an email I just sent to Pickled Lily, as I'm sure some time in the future this will be a hilarious parlour story to tell on bad dates/girls nights, or a case study for The Guide, and as such should be at least mildly documented.

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Sent: 23/10/2009 00:47

Subject: Rubbish.

Ok so I just started writing you a text, then halfway through discovered it was nearly 4 text-pages long so tried to downsize and take out words etc, but I just couldn't cut my ranting - so decided to email instead.. I'm sure you're thrilled lol. But here it is anyway..

So I'm pretty sure Rocket Boy has a girlfriend.

*pause for 'sudden but inevitable saw-that-one-coming' sound effect*

I am so stupid! Seriously man, like whole new levels of insane semi-masochistic are-you-retarded levels of stupid that I seem to keep surpassing by the bloody day! And yeah I probably shouldn't be as annoyed/affected as I am, but I don't care, it's just so ridiculous! I mean the thing that gets me is this - I am so much better than him. Like sooooo much better than him. In SO many ways I am out of his league - I'm like Premier League dammit!! In fact I'm so out of his league, his league is just redundant. His league may as well be.. a spoon. Yep, I'm Man United and he's a spoon. That's how out of his league I am!

Anyway, my ranting is turning a little surreal so that's a sign I shouldn't do a 12-hr shift then flick through random Facebooks until I inevitably stumble upon things I don't want to know.

Stupid wanker.

"Will you text me some time and we'll go for a drink, I promise I'll be less shit this time.." - what, so this is you being less shit is it, Rocket Boy? Hmm?? Less shit involves being a total weirdo with me, does it? Being as up and down as a psychotic yo-yo on speed, hmmm?? Being rude, then awkward, then flirting with me and humming Paramore songs under your breath in what I can only imagine is your strange way of yet again cryptically referencing/telling me things that I don't bloody understand, making me feel like I'm the crazy one, hmmmm?? You 'being less shit' is finally asking me for a drink - or actually, making it so that I'm the one who has to ask you for a drink, then leaving me hanging, only to discover during this entire time you've casually developed a girlfriend?? Less shit, are you, Rocket Boy? Hmmmmmm?? Really?? HMMMMMMMMM?????

Right so before you start calling the men in white coats to get me sanctioned, take a second to laugh defeatedly here with me, mate.

Seriously, I'm not kidding.

...


You good? Nodding and shaking your head with a slight for-fucks-sake expression? Good. I feel less alone now.

Man, I slightly can't believe we're not at the Lion right now, with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes - rather, I'm in my bed, wired, at 1 in the morning knowing I have to be up in 5 hours, and the next chance I'll have to sit in the Lion with you and a bottle of wine, is at least 2 days away.

I'll call you tomorrow at a more normal time, with a more normal frame of mind.

Sorry for the rant - what would I do without you to rant at? Even when you're not here..!

xxxx

ps. Thanks for not being rubbish. Other people are rubbish. Everyone else is rubbish - well, mainly Rocket Boy, but everyone else too.

..For fucks sake, if anything he's more shit this time!

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