A Rush Of Fear To The Head.

I'm terrified and mistrusting and closed down and losing myself and vulnerable and I want to fight it, I'm too tired to fight it, I need a break from my head, I can't detach from the past and all of the pain, I need to laugh, start from scratch, begin again, I want to run and unburden, I want to be happy, I am withholding and I can't bear it, and I'm afraid of everything I want, afraid of being who I want to be, I've lost all clarity, finding it hard to stop judging myself, and desperately needing validation, and I can't seem to change, and I'm becoming everything I hate, and I can't handle the pressure, and I feel like a failure because I can't handle the pressure, and I feel small and I feel sad, and my own silence screams at me in the night, and I'm craving intimacy and connection and attention and affection, while as ever feeling cellularly solo, and I'm deteriorating, and I'm ill all the time, and I'm scared that I'm just a coward, and I'm scared of my own strength, that it's made me too capable at defence, that my crumbling armour is never going to break, that you will forever haunt me, that I will never be anything but my past, that I will never drop my guard, that behind my guard is nothingness, that I would be beautiful if I could only believe it, that I am my own demon, I'm ashamed of my sensitivity to the judgements of others, and I can't sleep, and I can't handle silence, and I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired of it.