A Familiar, If Unidentifiable, Feeling

I think maybe I need to start (or attempt to start) some sort of emotional overhaul. And also possibly some sort of literal overhaul. Is overhaul even the word I'm looking for?

Basically I'm feeling very..something. And I've been feeling very something for a while now, and that something feeling is building up and suddenly I want to overhaul.

Yeah, so that didn't make any sense, even to me.

I'll try again..

I think I need to sort myself out a bit.

I've started retreating into myself, and getting edgy, and feeling like I'm behind on everything (possibly because I am), but this feeling is a familiar (if unidentifiable) feeling that I tend to get when I'm not taking care of myself, and it's when some mysterious sensible voice in my head says "Right, stop ignoring everything and start figuring out what you need to sort out". Except it doesn't say it in those exact words, it starts off saying things like "Do the dishes", and I ignore it.

So after a while it says things like "Clean up the flat. You need to organise your wardrobe, desk etc" and I ignore it.

Then a few days later it says things like "Start eating better, you're getting fat and feeling rubbish", and I ignore it.

So it begins to say things like "Start thinking about your work and uni, and what exactly you're going to do about them come September - because it's nearly August", and I ignore it for a few more days.

So it says things like "Stop being secretly depressed about Darcy. Address all the new and old pain you're feeling and stop being such a coward." and I ignore it.

So eventually it says "Look, if you're not going to help yourself, nobody else bloody well will so for Christ's sake- do the damn dishes, clean up the flat, organise all your crap, start being healthy so you don't feel like shit all the time, figure out your plans for work and uni so you don't feel so guilty all the time, get over Darcy once and for all so you're not so fucking miserable all the time, and for God's sake - get on with it!"

And I find myself unable to ignore it. But too sulky at being told off to do anything about it.

Now who's voice is that, shouting at me in my head? Hmm? My subconscious? No, my subconscious is busy pretending not to think about Darcy in lots of compromising, sexual, loving, heartwrenching positions with the latest Nataahsha girl to happen upon everything that I want.

My conscience? No, I suspect my moral compass is still trying desperately to find North..or East, or wherever it is that righteousness lies!

My mother? No, although there is much profanity and guilt-tripping, the voice is being helpful and giving me a metaphorical, not literal, kick up the arse.

I suppose it must be just the sensible part of me, which I've ignored for so long now it's given up and broken off and become it's own entity entirely, stopping in only occasionally to shout at me when I'm being really rubbish.

Christ, have just realised I'm coming off as a bit schizophrenic, as although speaking metaphorically about said voice, I have anthropomorphised it to a somewhat unusual degree..

Feel a bit mental actually - I do hope I'm not going crazy.

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NB: Ahh. Am definitely not going crazy, thanks to very clever quote I've just remembered, in manner of very wise well-read person - "Crazy people don't know they're going crazy - they think they're getting saner". It's always nice when you get a flash of wisdom from inner self like that, almost as if to counteract all the feelings of inadequacy and intellectual insecurity.

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NB: Bollocks. Have just realised quote is in fact by John Locke. Not the empirical philosopher, but the character in an episode of Lost.