Getting The Fight Back.

Have decided today that not giving a fuck is the answer.

Had a bit of a meltdown earlier, and called Pickled Lily, sobbing uncontrollably. She came over with some wine and I sort of let out lots about how crap everything is. Even though everything is actually pretty okay - I may be having a bit of a personality breakdown.

It was my first night as a promoter on Tuesday and it went unbelievably well - we sold out, the bands were awesome (except a particular band, who were fucking tosspots. But they're biggish, so I shouldn't mention their name. let's just say they like their fruit at room temperature. Rock and roll.) and the whole night was a bloody success. And I've done so much work for it the last month or 2, so I should have been happy - fucking ecstatic in fact, but I wasn't. And that terrified me.

Turns out I can't even be happy or proud of myself, when I do something that I love, amazingly well.

Anyway, much soul-searching crisis talk and we've come to the conclusion that I need my don't-give-a-fuck attitude back. I used to be a fighter, and a ballsy motherfucker. I just need to stop worrying about everyone else, and whether or not they're having a good time, or if I'm interesting or funny or pretty enough for them, and if they're happy in their own lives, and just look after myself a bit. A lot, actually. I need to remember to look after myself properly, as no-one else is going to. I love my (few) real friends, but they have their own lives, and need to look after themselves too.

I just need to get the fight back.