Sickness Makes Me Feel Homesick.

Spent the day in bed being ill. Which is fine, I think my body needed it - I slept 16 hours last night, and am still exhausted today.

But now it's 1am and I'm in bed feeling ill and crap, and for some reason can't stop thinking about all the people who ever treated me badly my entire life, and missing them. I dont dare think about what the fuck that says about me - but I just can't seem to stop myself! Just was dropping off to sleep and for some reason Looney Toon came into my head, and I felt myself really missing her.

Was remembering the little close things, like how her room felt like mine, and how we spent months sharing a bed because neither of us minded enough to be bothered to sort her room out, and how we'd have stupid conversations in the supermarket about why baked beans were in a different section to kidney beans, and why kidney beans were that shape - why would a bean be named after an internal part of the body, and which one was the liver and which one was the kidney anyway? And then there was all those times I'm pick her up from the local pub where she worked, and we'd pick up dinner and walk home discussing which film we were going to watch, always knowing we'd get home and just watch Family Guy until stupid o clock in the morning. Then we'd wake up the next day just in time for Neighbours and Jeremy Kyle, with just enough time in the breaks to make a half-arsed breakfast of tea and toast and some sort of microwaveable meat. And all those nights of ridiculous drinking and laughing and playing cards and meeting people, and all those mornings of going through our combined wardrobe for an hour to try and look different today, only to end up in the exact same outfits we always wore, but not giving a shit because we would have found some hilarious new joke of the day (or we'd made ourselves laugh by discovering a stupid advert on telly and making every sentence into a joke about it).

Fuck, it's weird, it seems so normal these days for her to not be in my life, in fact I barely even think of her, but when I think about it properly, I can't believe she's not in my life any more. But then my brain suddenly reminds me of all the other things, how our relationship deformed into something unrecognisable, how she became a stranger to me, her gradually spending more time in her room and not ever coming out with me and our friends, and then the big one - where her boyfriend hit on me and when I told her she rejected my words and refused to discuss it, and then for weeks and weeks there grew unease and this weird atmosphere developed, and I tried my very hardest to address it, and to clear it, and to fix it, but she just clammed up and denied anything was wrong, and just shut me out and made me feel like I was being paranoid and over-sensitive and needy - all the time she was moving her stuff out and mulling over things without telling me, then one day she was just gone.

..Fucking bitch! 8 years of being the closest of friends, then one day she just ups and leaves, and refuses to accept my attempts to rectify things. Then, when finally after months of confusion and hurt and wanting to fix things, I see that I've been screwed around and get angry about it, she acts as if I'm overreacting and that there was nothing ever wrong.

Man, I can't believe I'm going over this in my head right now. I think so little of it because it hurt too much to deal with, and I was partly in disbelief at the time, but I really can't be bothered with this in my head right now. Can't it just go away?

At the risk of sounding like a moany teenager - it's just not fair! It's not fucking fair that people like Looney Toon come into my life and make me love them, then they fuck off or treat me shitty and then fuck off, and it's not enough that I have to go through it - but I then have to deal with missing them. And it's never that I've played the victim, they're just bastards! That's just it though - theyre the bastards, they're the ones that fucked everything up, but somehow I'm the one thats suffering, that's lying awake at stupid o clock in the morning wondering where it all went wrong, and reminiscing about when it used to be good, and wishing it could go back to that. I even find myself considering calling her - then hate myself for it because why would I put myself through that - I would be some sort of masochistic fool to be missing somebody who hurt me so much.

Why is it always like that after they're gone though? When someone hurts you, you should just be left with that hurt - just purely remember the fact that they hurt you, and that they're a bastard. Not the good stuff - the makeup of the human brain should have at least a little compassion and have some sort of auto-erase system whereby you forget the good times where you loved them and they loved you and trips to the supermarket became the most fun you've ever had, so that when you find yourself thinking about them at stupid o clock in the morning, your brain doesn't think I wish you were in my life, rather your brain thinks you were a bastard, good riddance. Stupid brain isn't protecting me properly, after all these years.

I think this is all because I'm ill and slightly delirious - I always get emotional when I'm ill. I don't know what it is, but it's only when I'm ill that I get so massively self-pitying and weepy and needy (I hope!)

Maybe it's that I don't have the energy to hold back my deepest hurts and heartaches when I'm ill. I'm pretty sure when I wake up tomorrow or the next day fully recovered and feeling spritely, I won't miss Looney Toon in the slightest, and won't connect with this feeling at all, if even remember it. And calling her will seem a laughable thing to have thought to do, and the good times won't even cross my mind let alone affect me like this.

But in my current state of ailment, I miss her. And I feel pretty sad about it. And that sadness is just opening the floodgates for everyone else that I sometimes secretly long for.. Looney Toon.. Ash.. Rocket Boy (bit surprised at that one).. my cat..

Why can't it just go away? I'm so sick of missing people. Seriously, nobody has to miss people as bloody often as I do. And when I miss people like Looney Toon, and Ash, it feels more than just nostalgia, its like.. homesickness. That's it. Most people get that feeling when they're ill, when they long to be at home being taken care of by their mum, in bed eating soup. But I never had that, the only real home I've ever had has been certain people in my life. So when I'm ill and I want comfort and warmth, I long for the people that felt like home. It just so happens that the people that feel like home fucked off long ago.

For Christ's sake. I just reread that whole self-indulgent adolescent rant and had a flash of self-awareness - I really am going to stop using this blog for exorcising emotional demons, and instead write things that are clever and witty and insightful, that might pass for genuine urban subcultural commentary. Maybe I'll blog some more poetry, or put my gig reviews up here, maybe some thoughts on psychology books I've been reading..

Not right now though. Right now I'm going to chain smoke and listen to Ricky Gervais podcasts, while feeling homesick and glugging Night Nurse, until I fall asleep.